Saturday, November 7, 2015

Lessons from Social Media

I wrote most of these back in June of this year and posted them as Facebook statuses. I now present them in blog form. I even memed a few and added some bonus lessons not seen previously.


Bacon and coffee are essential to your continued survival, and must be photographed, memed, and otherwise shared with utmost respect and awe. Then eaten and drunk.

LOL also stands for "lots of love." (No it doesn't.)

The world must be alerted when you have "the feels."

All pictures of cats, dogs and velociraptors must be shared.

Any fact check can begin and end with Snopes or Wikipedia. Or The Daily Currant.

All members of the political party you oppose are the Devil incarnate.

The latest death in Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, or any other show you enjoy, is an international tragedy. That also goes for books, such as Harry Potter.

If you do not share this status, either you are completely heartless, or you are ashamed of Jesus and He will deny you before the Father. Or both.

It is absolutely necessary to video yourself singing "Let It Go" and share it with the world. Extra credit if it goes viral enough for Disney to take notice and block the video for copyright infringement.

The Onion, The Daily Currant, The Duffel Blog and other satire websites are reputable sources of news. Definitely take them seriously.

"I disagree with you" = "I hate you and your kind."

Love = complete agreement and approval

If you disagree with someone, it is absolutely necessary to hurl profanity-laced insults at them. Because random strangers appreciate being called every name unfit to be printed in the book?

Everyone you feel is wrong with the world must be informed of their "wrong with the world" status.

Did someone say something that unintentionally hurt your feelings? They absolutely aimed it at you and meant it as a personal and public insult. This person must be taught a sharp lesson by being unfriended, and for extra credit, blocked. This will automatically convert them to your way of thinking. But you won't know it because you blocked them. Alternatively, you can unfriend them and send them a PM explaining what a lowlife they are.

Doctor Who has a quote for everything. If Doctor Who does not have a quote for it, make up a quote and put it on a picture of The Doctor.

Feel strongly about something? Post a status instructing everyone who disagrees with you to unfriend you now.

Every trip to the gym must be carefully documented and shared for the world to see. (Note: while these can get annoying, I have found that when I do share it, it helps keep me accountable. So don't get after people too much for this. They need encouragement, not "cease and desist" notices.)

If all else fails, put your profound (or not-so-profound) idea in a meme. Extra credit: attribute your idea to Einstein. Or Lincoln. Or a Minion.

Always be yourself, unless you can be anyone or anything else, real or fictional. Then be anyone or anything else, real or fictional.

You can combat negativity by posting pictures of superheroes, cartoon characters, or other positive subjects.

Everyone knows the key to fixing the world's problems, and everyone else is clueless and must be told how.

You can't draw worth beans? No problem. Just draw an ugly face and use it to troll others. It will go viral and your poor excuse for a drawing will gain memingful immortality. (Like the word I just made up?)

When God (who is apparently an old man with a long white beard), who makes no mistakes, created every single person in the world, He stood at a table with a beaker, and added a dose of this, a dose of that, and... oops! The perfect God who doesn't make mistakes accidentally spilled His entire supply of a third ingredient into the potion!

It is absolutely necessary to know which character of every show in existence you are.

You will be SHOCKED OUT OF YOUR SENSES what happens when you click on this clickbaity link!

He used clickbait, and THIS happened! LOL!

Minions are surprisingly philosophical.

Always photograph what you are eating.

Memes count as news, and they are definitely accurate.

Anything at all (with the possible exception of Fifty Shades of Grey) is still a better love story than Twilight.

The Doctor must under no circumstances be called Doctor Who. That is not his name. Never mind that's how he was credited until recently, and he was often called Doctor Who in the classic series.

Never mind what Back to the Future says about Marty McFly coming to the future on October 21, 2015. That day is TODAY. In fact, it's been many days since at least 2012.

#Always #use #hashtags. Better yet, ‪#‎overuse‬ ‪#‎hashtags.

If anyone wishes you "Happy Holidays," they are part of a dastardly scheme to take Christ out of Christmas and must be chastised accordingly. Anything less than "Merry Christmas" must be greeted with Scrooge-like anger.

If anyone dares mention Christmas before Thanksgiving, they must be publicly chastised for their crimes against humanity.