I don't like clickbait any more than I did when I wrote the previous blog about musical clickbait. But I still like to make fun of it. Here are some more headlines for you. (Note that not every headline is 100% accurate. That is intentional.)
They land in a small town in Canada. But they weren't expecting THAT MANY planes at the airport or THAT welcome! We're CRYING!
His therapist told him to write himself a letter. You WON'T BELIEVE what happens when people read it! Share. Like. Spread this EVERYWHERE!
Ex-nun helps decorated naval captain and his seven children DEFY orders from his superiors!
I've been wrong all this time! THIS is why the Lord created men!
You won't believe how this con man seduces this librarian!
38 planes that landed in Gander that day (and 21 that landed in St. John's)
She decides to marry her boss. What happens next will make you sing!
Her ambitions as a writer are ASTONISHING!
They put out the call for help. When Brooklyn responds? I'm SHOCKED!
Displaced by a TORNADO, she uses THIS WEIRD TRICK to get home!
They just ease on down the road to reach their goal!
Jealous uncle USURPS the throne! What happens next? Hakuna matata!
10 guys who want to BRING DOWN the Sharks (and 10 who want to bring down the Jets)
Showing posts with label clickbait. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clickbait. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Musical Clickbait
I am not a fan of clickbait. Sometimes you have to find humor in these things. Here are a few musicals explained with clickbait...
Expectant mother drinks green potion. What happens next will blow your mind!
Aspiring Knight dreams an impossible dream. You won't believe what he thinks he can fight with a sword and a shaving basin he thinks is a helmet! My countenance is WOEFUL!
BAT CHILD FOUND IN CAVE (Oh wait...)
Barber uses this simple trick to REVOLUTIONIZE the neighboring meat pie business!
He tries to separate his good and evil natures. The result? I'm SHOCKED!!
Starved orphan sold to a funeral home after he asks for more food. You won't believe what happens after he escapes!
She meets him at an earthquake benefit concert. Their romance inspires a nation and disgusts an Argentine-Cuban Marxist revolutionary. See how the money rolls in and out. I'm CRYING for her!
Determined police officer doggedly pursues thief across two decades. What happens when they meet will SHOCK you!
Dragon prepares to bake her famous savory donkey pot pie. I'm TREMBLING! Flattery really does save lives!
[clickbait headline of show]
Voyage ends in tragedy as frozen dihydrogen monoxide sinks ship! AVOID DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE!!!
Dreams come true! Disgraced Egyptian slave saves nation. You won't believe who else he saves!
He secretly slips some acrimonium in her drink. Boy oh boy, that full disclosure is strange!
How far will a younger brother go to ensure that his sister continues to torture him? I'm SHOCKED!!
Bohemian beauty steals the hearts of a hypocritical priest, an engaged archer, and a deaf one-eyed lame bellringer. I'm IN TEARS!!
Bookish oddball falls in love with horned creature. You'll be SHOCKED what happens when she declares her love!
This girl lost her parents and her ayah in a cholera epidemic in India and is being shipped back to Yorkshire to live with her widowed and grieving uncle. Her cousin has been bedridden ALL HIS LIFE and lives in fear of becoming a hunchback. 1 Like = 1 Prayer
Lord Farquaad's heritage called into question. Spread this ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE!
Boy under the control of an evil supercomputer uses this simple trick to break out!
He dreamed of soaring like an eagle on the big screen in Bollywood. What happened on the journey home will shock you!
SCANDAL!! Apprentice blames rash of DEATHS on one of the plants in his shop!
New Chairman of the Board credits obscure thrift shop book for his meteoric rise to the top. Mr. President, watch out! See page 5 for the juicy details of his upcoming wedding to his secretary.
Greek wine god takes servant on quest down the River Styx. You'll CROAK when you find out who he meets on the way and who he brings back!
Martha Stewart HATES him! Aspiring playwright pens a culinary musical.
You WON'T BELIEVE where Conrad Birdie is going next, and you'll be SHOCKED about his one last kiss before he leaves! We're CRYING!
OMG, you guys! If there ever was a perfect couple, THIS ONE qualifies!
SCANDAL!! Jilted bathing beauty MURDERS diva!
You won't believe what this hobbit did with his priceless ring!
Gangster threatens to KILL his girlfriend, a bar singer. You WON'T BELIEVE where the police hide her, or what she does to the place!
What this Greek demigod was accused of stealing will literally SHOCK you!
Forbidden love between an Egyptian prince and a Nubian princess, and we just CAN'T EVEN!!
Have you heard? There's a rumor in St. Petersburg!
Diva breaks silence on upstart managers, being cast out of opera, and the unsuitability of her replacement
Exclusive! Who is the real Christine Daaé? Get all the details from opera insider Carlotta Giudicelli! Prepare to be shocked! Does Ms. Daaé owe her so-called talent to a mysterious "Opera Ghost", or is it just her rich lover, the Opera's new patron?
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Lessons from Social Media
I wrote most of these back in June of this year and posted them as Facebook statuses. I now present them in blog form. I even memed a few and added some bonus lessons not seen previously.
***
Bacon and coffee are essential to your continued survival, and must be photographed, memed, and otherwise shared with utmost respect and awe. Then eaten and drunk.
LOL also stands for "lots of love." (No it doesn't.)
The world must be alerted when you have "the feels."
All pictures of cats, dogs and velociraptors must be shared.
Any fact check can begin and end with Snopes or Wikipedia. Or The Daily Currant.
All members of the political party you oppose are the Devil incarnate.
The latest death in Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, or any other show you enjoy, is an international tragedy. That also goes for books, such as Harry Potter.
If you do not share this status, either you are completely heartless, or you are ashamed of Jesus and He will deny you before the Father. Or both.
It is absolutely necessary to video yourself singing "Let It Go" and share it with the world. Extra credit if it goes viral enough for Disney to take notice and block the video for copyright infringement.
The Onion, The Daily Currant, The Duffel Blog and other satire websites are reputable sources of news. Definitely take them seriously.
"I disagree with you" = "I hate you and your kind."
Love = complete agreement and approval
If you disagree with someone, it is absolutely necessary to hurl profanity-laced insults at them. Because random strangers appreciate being called every name unfit to be printed in the book?
Everyone you feel is wrong with the world must be informed of their "wrong with the world" status.
Did someone say something that unintentionally hurt your feelings? They absolutely aimed it at you and meant it as a personal and public insult. This person must be taught a sharp lesson by being unfriended, and for extra credit, blocked. This will automatically convert them to your way of thinking. But you won't know it because you blocked them. Alternatively, you can unfriend them and send them a PM explaining what a lowlife they are.
Doctor Who has a quote for everything. If Doctor Who does not have a quote for it, make up a quote and put it on a picture of The Doctor.
Feel strongly about something? Post a status instructing everyone who disagrees with you to unfriend you now.
Every trip to the gym must be carefully documented and shared for the world to see. (Note: while these can get annoying, I have found that when I do share it, it helps keep me accountable. So don't get after people too much for this. They need encouragement, not "cease and desist" notices.)
If all else fails, put your profound (or not-so-profound) idea in a meme. Extra credit: attribute your idea to Einstein. Or Lincoln. Or a Minion.
Always be yourself, unless you can be anyone or anything else, real or fictional. Then be anyone or anything else, real or fictional.
You can combat negativity by posting pictures of superheroes, cartoon characters, or other positive subjects.
Everyone knows the key to fixing the world's problems, and everyone else is clueless and must be told how.
You can't draw worth beans? No problem. Just draw an ugly face and use it to troll others. It will go viral and your poor excuse for a drawing will gain memingful immortality. (Like the word I just made up?)
When God (who is apparently an old man with a long white beard), who makes no mistakes, created every single person in the world, He stood at a table with a beaker, and added a dose of this, a dose of that, and... oops! The perfect God who doesn't make mistakes accidentally spilled His entire supply of a third ingredient into the potion!
It is absolutely necessary to know which character of every show in existence you are.
You will be SHOCKED OUT OF YOUR SENSES what happens when you click on this clickbaity link!
He used clickbait, and THIS happened! LOL!
Minions are surprisingly philosophical.
Always photograph what you are eating.
Memes count as news, and they are definitely accurate.
Anything at all (with the possible exception of Fifty Shades of Grey) is still a better love story than Twilight.
The Doctor must under no circumstances be called Doctor Who. That is not his name. Never mind that's how he was credited until recently, and he was often called Doctor Who in the classic series.
Never mind what Back to the Future says about Marty McFly coming to the future on October 21, 2015. That day is TODAY. In fact, it's been many days since at least 2012.
#Always #use #hashtags. Better yet, #overuse #hashtags.
If anyone wishes you "Happy Holidays," they are part of a dastardly scheme to take Christ out of Christmas and must be chastised accordingly. Anything less than "Merry Christmas" must be greeted with Scrooge-like anger.
If anyone dares mention Christmas before Thanksgiving, they must be publicly chastised for their crimes against humanity.
***
Bacon and coffee are essential to your continued survival, and must be photographed, memed, and otherwise shared with utmost respect and awe. Then eaten and drunk.
LOL also stands for "lots of love." (No it doesn't.)
The world must be alerted when you have "the feels."
All pictures of cats, dogs and velociraptors must be shared.
Any fact check can begin and end with Snopes or Wikipedia. Or The Daily Currant.
All members of the political party you oppose are the Devil incarnate.
The latest death in Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, or any other show you enjoy, is an international tragedy. That also goes for books, such as Harry Potter.
If you do not share this status, either you are completely heartless, or you are ashamed of Jesus and He will deny you before the Father. Or both.
It is absolutely necessary to video yourself singing "Let It Go" and share it with the world. Extra credit if it goes viral enough for Disney to take notice and block the video for copyright infringement.
The Onion, The Daily Currant, The Duffel Blog and other satire websites are reputable sources of news. Definitely take them seriously.
"I disagree with you" = "I hate you and your kind."
Love = complete agreement and approval
If you disagree with someone, it is absolutely necessary to hurl profanity-laced insults at them. Because random strangers appreciate being called every name unfit to be printed in the book?
Everyone you feel is wrong with the world must be informed of their "wrong with the world" status.
Did someone say something that unintentionally hurt your feelings? They absolutely aimed it at you and meant it as a personal and public insult. This person must be taught a sharp lesson by being unfriended, and for extra credit, blocked. This will automatically convert them to your way of thinking. But you won't know it because you blocked them. Alternatively, you can unfriend them and send them a PM explaining what a lowlife they are.
Doctor Who has a quote for everything. If Doctor Who does not have a quote for it, make up a quote and put it on a picture of The Doctor.
Feel strongly about something? Post a status instructing everyone who disagrees with you to unfriend you now.
Every trip to the gym must be carefully documented and shared for the world to see. (Note: while these can get annoying, I have found that when I do share it, it helps keep me accountable. So don't get after people too much for this. They need encouragement, not "cease and desist" notices.)
If all else fails, put your profound (or not-so-profound) idea in a meme. Extra credit: attribute your idea to Einstein. Or Lincoln. Or a Minion.
Always be yourself, unless you can be anyone or anything else, real or fictional. Then be anyone or anything else, real or fictional.
You can combat negativity by posting pictures of superheroes, cartoon characters, or other positive subjects.
Everyone knows the key to fixing the world's problems, and everyone else is clueless and must be told how.
You can't draw worth beans? No problem. Just draw an ugly face and use it to troll others. It will go viral and your poor excuse for a drawing will gain memingful immortality. (Like the word I just made up?)
When God (who is apparently an old man with a long white beard), who makes no mistakes, created every single person in the world, He stood at a table with a beaker, and added a dose of this, a dose of that, and... oops! The perfect God who doesn't make mistakes accidentally spilled His entire supply of a third ingredient into the potion!
It is absolutely necessary to know which character of every show in existence you are.
You will be SHOCKED OUT OF YOUR SENSES what happens when you click on this clickbaity link!
He used clickbait, and THIS happened! LOL!
Minions are surprisingly philosophical.
Always photograph what you are eating.
Memes count as news, and they are definitely accurate.
Anything at all (with the possible exception of Fifty Shades of Grey) is still a better love story than Twilight.
The Doctor must under no circumstances be called Doctor Who. That is not his name. Never mind that's how he was credited until recently, and he was often called Doctor Who in the classic series.
Never mind what Back to the Future says about Marty McFly coming to the future on October 21, 2015. That day is TODAY. In fact, it's been many days since at least 2012.
#Always #use #hashtags. Better yet, #overuse #hashtags.
If anyone wishes you "Happy Holidays," they are part of a dastardly scheme to take Christ out of Christmas and must be chastised accordingly. Anything less than "Merry Christmas" must be greeted with Scrooge-like anger.
If anyone dares mention Christmas before Thanksgiving, they must be publicly chastised for their crimes against humanity.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Clickbait and Adbait
Public Service Announcement: The following words and phrases may actually make me LESS likely to click on your link:
If I do click on your link, the following might cause me to leave the page quickly:
Note: I have nothing against ads, per se (after all, I have ads on this blog), but I do have a problem with people abusing them.
- This will blow your mind
- What happened next?
- I gasped.
- I'm SPEECHLESS
- actually, almost anything in ALL CAPS
- Lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Shocking
- Spread this absolutely everywhere!
- vague comments like "he said THIS" or "THIS happened"
- using pronouns rather than specifying the person
- Like if...
- Share if...
- Retweet/Re-post/Reblog if...
- One like/share = one prayer
- Like = ________, Comment =_______, Share = ________
- Like to show respect
- anything that tries to guilt me into clicking, liking or sharing
- Jesus says that if you deny me before men, I will deny you before God
- anything implying I am heartless if I don't click, like, comment or share
- Share this in 30 seconds or something terrible will happen
- Sadly, only 12% will share this. It should be 100%.
- anything that definitively predicts the public's reaction to this post, stating specific percentages
- This weird trick
- #25 made me react strongly (fall over laughing, pee my pants, throw something out the window, etc.)
- Excessive foul language
- Bad grammar or spelling
- anything that counts the number of words someone used to make their point
- Watch this person SHUT DOWN their political opponent
- This person sent their political opponent packing, or did anything else to defeat them (the article or video in question is often about someone making a comment that expressed disagreement, but in no way sent anyone packing, and is sometimes not even true)
- Is there room for me on your wall? (accompanied by a picture of Jesus)
If I do click on your link, the following might cause me to leave the page quickly:
- Constantly having to click "next"
- Excessive ads, especially if I can't scroll without accidentally clicking on one
- Deceptive ads that have arrows that look like a "next" button
- Ads that completely cover the screen, blocking what I'm trying to read
- Ads with videos that auto play
- Music on your web page that auto plays (even if there are no ads)
- Pages that force me to watch a video (usually an ad) before allowing me to progress to what is on the page
Note: I have nothing against ads, per se (after all, I have ads on this blog), but I do have a problem with people abusing them.
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