Showing posts with label Star Wars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Star Wars. Show all posts

Friday, April 8, 2016

Snoke Theories, Episode III

"I am a Jedi, like my father before me."

He was separated at birth from his sister, who he didn't even know he had, and raised by an aunt and uncle who struggled to keep their moisture farm afloat in a sea of sand, while dealing with a moody and whiny teenager who would rather be getting power converters at Tosche Station. The area was plagued with murderous sand people (who he is likely unaware that their compatriots killed his grandmother), Jawas with dubious motivation, and slug-like gangster Hutts. Oh, and let's not forget Greedo, who may or may not have shot first.

He came upon a droid on a mission, with a message from the sister he didn't know he had. This led him to find out that his whole life was a lie, the old man he thought was just a lonely old hermit was actually a famous Jedi who had fought in the legendary Clone Wars, his farm would be decimated, he had a twin sister with a much cooler title, and his father was the very person the old hermit told him killed his father. The man he had always admired and wished he'd known. Talk about disillusionment! 

At first, he trained hard to fight the evil that brought his father to a fraction of the man he had once been. But after triumphing over the Sith and actually losing his father in the process, his new role of training a new generation of Jedi ended in disaster, with his own nephew going on a murdering rampage. Like Yoda and Obi-Wan before him, Luke went into hiding. The years passed, and Luke waited on a far away island on a lonely planet.

Or did he?

What if all the tragedy in his life led him on a darker path than we realized? What if he became a dark lord himself? He once said he was a Jedi like his father before him. What if he decided to become a Sith like his father before him as well? Maybe one who would continue his instruction of his nephew in the ways of the Force. But now in holographic form, from a distance. The giant hologram would add to his air of mystery, and he could instruct people all over the galaxy from the comfort of his throne on a remote island.

But wait, you say. He doesn't look like Snoke! Ah, but he has had years to figure out and study the ways of the Force. Who knows how much the Force can do? I'm sure the movies don't even scratch the surface. Maybe people with enough midichlorians can change their appearance at will.

You may object that we see Luke and Snoke in two different places. First of all, he isn't actually present in the room where he talks to Kylo Ren and Hux. He is there in holographic form. Secondly, in the prequels, we get to know Senator Palpatine pretending to fight for good, and we also see Darth Sidious guiding the bad guys in the dark side of the Force. They don't reveal until later that they are the same person. Maybe this is another case of that. Perhaps they will reveal that Luke and Snoke are the same person.

Lastly, both names are one syllable and end with "ke"... Highly suspicious.


Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Snoke Theories, Episode II

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

He watched his protégé and best friend, whom he loved like a brother, slowly turn bad. He fought his friend through lava flows that would burn away said friend's limbs and severely maim him in other ways, causing him to need a mask to breathe. I ask you, is this the action of a friend?

Then, Anakin out of the way for the moment, he contrived to separate Anakin's children and not tell his "dear friend" the joyful news that he was a father. He would spend the next few years as a hermit on a desolate island, only starting to be helpful when Anakin's daughter asked for help, and Anakin's son came to him with a droid with a message. Then he handed the whiny brat of a Luke a deadly weapon before telling him what it was. What if Luke had pressed the wrong button with the lightsaber pointed at himself? When that scheme didn't work, he made up some harebrained story about Darth Vader killing Luke's father - which he would later explain away by claiming it was true "from a certain point of view." Whatever.

Then, next time he saw old Anakin, he declared pompously, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." So, always willing to help a friend, Anakin took Obi-Wan's advice.

Like Yoda, Obi-Wan just disappeared. Like Yoda, I didn't see a body. Did he die? Like Yoda, he would show up later as a force ghost. He spoke in a creepy voice to Luke telling him to use the force. But were his actions as a ghost particularly powerful? Unless you consider spooky apparitions and voices powerful, not especially.

The last we see him as Obi-Wan, he is a holographic ghost smiling at the pawn he trained to defeat his old friend.

Fast forward about 30 years. A new generation has arisen, and now we see a powerful holographic ghost who is commanding his friend's grandson to commit horrible atrocities.


I rest my case.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Snoke Theories, Episode I

"When 930 years old you reach, be as good you will not."

He has lived his very long life as a small being. He grew up green, with big ears. Though he didn't make a big deal of it that we know of, there is a hint that he was self conscious of his tiny stature:

"Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Size matters not."

It sounds to me like he was trying to convince himself.

The last time we see Yoda, he is lying in bed, dying. But is he dying? He just disappears. I didn't see a body. Oh sure, he shows up later as a force ghost. That just proves that he isn't completely gone. He has become another kind of being. Transparent, but visible to Luke.

Fast forward about 30 years. A new leader has risen. He is holographic and huge. (Remember, Yoda was holographic and tiny last we saw him.) He is transparent at times, and visible to Luke's nephew. Snoke is just as bald as Yoda, but he does not look as good. Clearly, he has aged in that time. His study of the Force has clearly taught him to overcome his tiny size and long poiny ears. He is now HUGE! Even seated, he towers over his underlings. Perhaps it's the memory of Darth Vader that turned him bad and made him talk forward. Or maybe it's the influence of General Hux (who looks suspiciously like Bill Weasley ... coincidence? I think not.) and/or Kylo Ren. Snoke seems to be just as respected by the First Order as Yoda was by the Jedi.


Yep. Supreme Leader Snoke is clearly Yoda.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Snoke Theories: Prologue

Supreme Leader Snoke has been the subject of numerous wild theories regarding his identity. Some believe he is Darth Plagueis, the infamous Sith legend. (This has been denied by the powers that be.) Some say he is the youngling who talked to Anakin Skywalker before Anakin slaughtered everyone in the room. Some even say he is Darth Vader or Jar Jar Binks.

These, of course, are ridiculous.

I was watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens the other day and came up with some brilliant theories of my own. I feel confident that one of my theories is accurate. Time will tell which one it is. The next few blog posts will detail who I think Snoke is.

Monday, May 5, 2014

The Empire Striketh Back

In celebration of Star Wars Day and Revenge of the Fifth, methinks I shalt perchance blog about, yea, e'en review, William Shakespeare's The Empire Striketh Back. As may be known, said masterwork was penned by the bard himself, Ian Doescher.

It was last year when I didst learn about the first play in the classic trilogy, William Shakespeare's Star Wars, and I didst hasten unto yon Amazon.com to download the Kindle version of the newly discoverèd work of Shakespeare, which George Lucas didst rudely pilfer to make his 1977 movie. I read the first tome with great mirth. Behold, I was e'en delighted to discover that such characters as R2-D2, thus set free by the iambic pentameter and the frequent use of asides, was able to communicate his thoughts unto the kind audience, while portraying to his fellow players a façade of beeps and bleeps. The play didst delve deeper into the characters, while making frequent use of the Chorus to explain the action unfolding before our play didst begin, as well as the continuing action as the play continuèd. Shakespeare's language didst delight me, and I have thus endeavour'd to replicate it here. But a lowly blogger am I, so it is my lot to forego the iambic pentameter and instead bring unto my kind readers a review in prose.

So delighted was I with the first tome that I did eagerly await its sequel, e'en The Empire Striketh Back. Hark, disappointed was I not. The second was improvèd o'er the first. In his afterword did the bard explain how the feedback from his first master work didst inspire the ongoing work of penning the saga. Less was the Chorus used, in favour of the characters revealing that which could not be shown onstage due to the limitations of the medium.

In this new play, the gentle audience doth learn more than in the movie how the character of Lando of Calrissian conflicted feels to thus betray his sworn ally Han Solo. With further use of asides does Lando tell how he repulsèd is to deal with the likes of Darth Vader while betraying Han to the carbonite freezer.

While R2-D2 continues his sarcastic yet informative asides, he does not do so as much as he did in the first play.

With great joy did I learn that the character of Yoda, in an effort to speak differently than the rest of the ensemble, speaketh backwards, yet also in haiku. Thus do we get classic lines such as:

LUKE
In troth, I understand, and I shall try.
YODA
Nay, nay! Try thou not.
But do thou or do thou not,
For there is no "try."

When introducing the character of Boba Fett, the bard didst express that he employed a technique yet unexplorèd in the Star Wars universe, e'en to speak in prose. This was a technique employed by Shakespeare to indicate the lowest of the low, and this bounty hunter, though determined, is yet low.

In the first volume didst the audience's hearts break when Princess Leia sang a lament for her belovèd planet Alderaan. In this second play, she and Chewbacca similarly sing a lament for Han, thus alive yet frozen in carbonite. Though Wookiee I speak not, I would that I could hear a Wookiee sing. Though I know not what it means, yet these lines do bring a lump e'en to my throat:

CHEWBAC.
[sings:] Egh, auugh, auugh, auugh, egh, egh, muh, muh,
Auugh, egh, egh, auugh, auugh, mu, muh.
Egh, auugh, auugh, grrm, auugh, egh, muh, muh,
Muh, wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.
LEIA
[sings:] Now he is gone, and so's my life,
All frozen in a moment.
He my seiz'd lov'd one, I his strife,
Sing wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.

From the last line of each stanza do I gather that "Muh," when used in a certain way, meanest "Sing." However, it is possible that in other lines, it may mean otherwise. A tribute it is to their friendship that e'en Leia employeth the Wookiee language into her song.

More jovial is the singing of the "merry band of UGNAUGHTS", who deliver all their lines in joyful song "as they pass around parts of C-3PO's body." While like them we do not, they either enjoy their work or choose to sing to pass the time in a more jovial manner, thus to lighten the load of their slavery. I know not their motivation, as they use not the asides that other characters employ.

Further twists does our plot take, as a character that I shall not name (thus shalt I avoid overmuch spoilers) telleth Luke, "--No. I am thy father." Unto this unexpected turn doth Luke reply, "Nay, 'tis not true! It is impossible!" But aforementioned character rejoins, "Pray, search thy feelings, Luke. Thou knowest it/Is true." Luke can only reply, "--Nay!"

As with the movie, with a cliffhanger doth our play end, and as the Chorus instructs,

Ye must leave empty, sighing lack-a-day,
Till we, by George, a brighter play compose.
Our story endeth, though your hearts do burn,
And shall until the Jedi doth return.
                                                                             [Exeunt omnes.

So endeth this blog post, with a hearty recommendation that ye read the play, yea, e'en perform it. Worth your time it is, and greater do I feel for the reading. May the Fourth be with thee, and eagerly shall we wait until our trilogy's conclusion in The Jedi Doth Return.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

My Fandoms Are Flashing Before My Eyes!

My gym closed yesterday. I have been going there regularly since the end of last January, and this brings to a close a big part of my life for the last year and 4 months. Yesterday, I borrowed quotes from several of my favorite shows and books to express my feelings about Vision Quest closing:

I don't want to go! I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me. May the force be with you. Live long and prosper. I'm glad you're with me, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things. 
My fandoms are flashing before my eyes. Thank you, Vision Quest! May your swords stay sharp.
(References to Doctor Who [10th and 11th Doctors, respectively], Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings [more specifically, Return of the King - said by Frodo] and the Inheritance Cycle [Eragon])

***

Today I will be working out at the new LA Fitness, beginning a new phase in my weight loss journey, and I look forward to working out with many of the same people. In the same vein as yesterday's thoughts, my regeneration into a thinner and healthier person begins!

I give you air from my lungs. It'll be fantastic! Allons-y! Geronimo! Kidneys! Do you know how to drive this thing? Use the Force, Luke. Live long and prosper. Before we begin our [workout], I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! I think I'm quite ready for another adventure.
Let the regeneration begin!
(References to Doctor Who [9th, 10th, 11th and 12th Doctors, respectively], Star Wars [said by Obi-Wan], Star Trek, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone [slightly modified quote from Albus Dumbledore] and Return of the King [said by Bilbo])

Monday, March 4, 2013

More Phở with Puns

Inspiration struck again. This is a phởllow-up to Phở with Puns.


"My goodness, what a phở you're making!"
Dorothy figures out the Lion's calling in life

Subaru Phởrester
A car dealership that serves pho while you're waiting

Phởbidden Phởrest
Vietnamese restaurant near Hogwarts

Phởrrest Gump
Run, Phởrrest, run!

Phởrankenstein
There are rumors of monsters coming out of this one.

Galliphở
A restaurant founded by a Time Lord

Water Phởcet
Lots of opportunities to wash your hands

Phở Gondor!
Boromir's favorite Vietnamese restaurant

My Phởciousss!
Gollum insists that this restaurant belongs to him. He would have you believe that they stole it, his phởciousss, and he wantsss it!

Phở He's a Jolly Good Phởllow
They like to sing songs to celebrate their wonderful customers

Bánh mìsérables
They can be a bit starry-eyed, but at the end of the day, their master of the house is amazing. They never have an issue with empty chairs at empty tables (and at the table in the corner, you can see a world reborn). Customers are constantly requesting to stay one day more. Judging from some customers' loyalty, you'd think it's located in a castle on a cloud. Their color scheme is red and black, and they serve Vietnamese sandwiches.

Phởdawan
They teach their customers to be Jedi Knights

Skyphở
In which we learn about where James Bond grew up

Bánh mì. James Bánh mì.
Store #007

Phởnancial Aid
They're expensive, but they offer loans and grants to help you pay for your meal.

Phởd Thai
A restaurant that serves Vietnamese and Thai food

Phởladelphia
The City of Brotherly Soup

Il Phởlo
A restaurant that honors a certain trio of Italian tenors (well, technically two tenors and a baritone)

Quantum Phởsics
Their specialty is Schrödinger's Bánh mì, a sandwich made while standing on a sturdy box containing a cat that is alive and dead


Feel free to comment with more suggestions, though as always, keep it clean. Also, check back as I may be adding more.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Phở with Puns

You know how Phở restaurants tend to use puns in their names? I had some brilliant ideas for some more. In case anyone doesn't know, Phở is a kind of Vietnamese noodle and meat soup. It's pronounced "fuh".

Phở and Games
A combination arcade and restaurant

Phở Tography
A photography studio that also serves pho

Phở Langes
A pho restaurant with a finger theme (They could also serve ladyfingers at Halloween)

Phởraoh
A restaurant that serves Vietnamese and Egyptian food

Phởrantic
An espresso stand that also serves pho

Phởnatic
A pho restaurant dedicated to fandoms everywhere

Phởnetic
Thay spel awl thuh wurds on thare menyoo funetticly. Yoo may take longgur reeding it, but at leest yool say thuh wurds rite. (They spell all the words on their menu phonetically. You may take longer reading it, but at least you'll say the words right.)

Raxacorico-phở-lapatorius
Had to get a Dr. Who reference in there...

Luke, I Am Your Phởther
The Sith branch

The Phởlowship of the Ring
A necessary destination on your quest to destroy the Ring of Power

Phởrengi
Get Quark on it! He would probably make a mean pho! 

Phở Phở Away
Princess Fiona's favorite Vietnamese restaurant. She loves taking Shrek there.

Muphởsa
The restaurant Simba founded right near Pride Rock, in memory of his phởther

Ophởlia
Hamlet's favorite Vietnamese restaurant. Laertes hates it when Hamlet goes there. It drives the restaurant mad.

Harry Phởter
Magic happens here.

Expecto Phởtronum
Protective magic happens here. Your soup takes the form of an animal, but a different animal for each customer.

Ziegfeld's Phởlies
Serving up song and dance and soup

HMS Pinaphở
They never ever make their soup too hot. What, never?! No, never! What, never?! Well, hardly ever.

Phởrates of the Caribbean
Yo ho, yo ho, a phởrate's life for me! The Black Phởrl can't be far off. (OK, that was phở-fetched)

Phởlowship
A great ministry idea for any church who wants to serve pho

Phởndamentals
A pho restaurant that goes back to the basics 

Phởlosophy
Socrates would have loved it!

Phởlanthropy
They donate their proceeds to charity.

Hooked on Phởnics
Worked for me!

Phởlanx
The cafeteria in a Roman army, that serves pho

Phởnix
Located in Arizona. They go out of business from time to time, but they always rise from the ashes.

Phởssil
A revolution in archaeology related to ancient Vietnamese soup

Phởsical Phởtness
They feature a well-rounded combination of healthy soup and a workout facility.

Do Bánh mì Phở So La Ti Do
They have a stage for singing, in addition to offering music lessons and singing about pho. They also serve Vietnamese sandwiches.

Phở, a Noodle Pulling Bread
From the Vietnamese parody of The Sound of Music 

The Phởntom of the Opera
...is there inside my mind!

Phởgetaboutit
A pho restaurant in New York (that was my friend Eddie's idea)

Phở Rensics
A murder mystery restaurant that serves pho (also Eddie's idea)

Just Phở You
Shanel's idea

Anyone else have ideas? Feel free to comment, but please keep it clean. :-)