Snoke Theories, Episode III

"I am a Jedi, like my father before me."

He was separated at birth from his sister, who he didn't even know he had, and raised by an aunt and uncle who struggled to keep their moisture farm afloat in a sea of sand, while dealing with a moody and whiny teenager who would rather be getting power converters at Tosche Station. The area was plagued with murderous sand people (who he is likely unaware that their compatriots killed his grandmother), Jawas with dubious motivation, and slug-like gangster Hutts. Oh, and let's not forget Greedo, who may or may not have shot first.

He came upon a droid on a mission, with a message from the sister he didn't know he had. This led him to find out that his whole life was a lie, the old man he thought was just a lonely old hermit was actually a famous Jedi who had fought in the legendary Clone Wars, his farm would be decimated, he had a twin sister with a much cooler title, and his father was the very person the old hermit told him killed his father. The man he had always admired and wished he'd known. Talk about disillusionment! 

At first, he trained hard to fight the evil that brought his father to a fraction of the man he had once been. But after triumphing over the Sith and actually losing his father in the process, his new role of training a new generation of Jedi ended in disaster, with his own nephew going on a murdering rampage. Like Yoda and Obi-Wan before him, Luke went into hiding. The years passed, and Luke waited on a far away island on a lonely planet.

Or did he?

What if all the tragedy in his life led him on a darker path than we realized? What if he became a dark lord himself? He once said he was a Jedi like his father before him. What if he decided to become a Sith like his father before him as well? Maybe one who would continue his instruction of his nephew in the ways of the Force. But now in holographic form, from a distance. The giant hologram would add to his air of mystery, and he could instruct people all over the galaxy from the comfort of his throne on a remote island.

But wait, you say. He doesn't look like Snoke! Ah, but he has had years to figure out and study the ways of the Force. Who knows how much the Force can do? I'm sure the movies don't even scratch the surface. Maybe people with enough midichlorians can change their appearance at will.

You may object that we see Luke and Snoke in two different places. First of all, he isn't actually present in the room where he talks to Kylo Ren and Hux. He is there in holographic form. Secondly, in the prequels, we get to know Senator Palpatine pretending to fight for good, and we also see Darth Sidious guiding the bad guys in the dark side of the Force. They don't reveal until later that they are the same person. Maybe this is another case of that. Perhaps they will reveal that Luke and Snoke are the same person.

Lastly, both names are one syllable and end with "ke"... Highly suspicious.

Snoke Theories, Episode II

"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

He watched his protégé and best friend, whom he loved like a brother, slowly turn bad. He fought his friend through lava flows that would burn away said friend's limbs and severely maim him in other ways, causing him to need a mask to breathe. I ask you, is this the action of a friend?

Then, Anakin out of the way for the moment, he contrived to separate Anakin's children and not tell his "dear friend" the joyful news that he was a father. He would spend the next few years as a hermit on a desolate island, only starting to be helpful when Anakin's daughter asked for help, and Anakin's son came to him with a droid with a message. Then he handed the whiny brat of a Luke a deadly weapon before telling him what it was. What if Luke had pressed the wrong button with the lightsaber pointed at himself? When that scheme didn't work, he made up some harebrained story about Darth Vader killing Luke's father - which he would later explain away by claiming it was true "from a certain point of view." Whatever.

Then, next time he saw old Anakin, he declared pompously, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." So, always willing to help a friend, Anakin took Obi-Wan's advice.

Like Yoda, Obi-Wan just disappeared. Like Yoda, I didn't see a body. Did he die? Like Yoda, he would show up later as a force ghost. He spoke in a creepy voice to Luke telling him to use the force. But were his actions as a ghost particularly powerful? Unless you consider spooky apparitions and voices powerful, not especially.

The last we see him as Obi-Wan, he is a holographic ghost smiling at the pawn he trained to defeat his old friend.

Fast forward about 30 years. A new generation has arisen, and now we see a powerful holographic ghost who is commanding his friend's grandson to commit horrible atrocities.

I rest my case.

Snoke Theories, Episode I

"When 930 years old you reach, be as good you will not."

He has lived his very long life as a small being. He grew up green, with big ears. Though he didn't make a big deal of it that we know of, there is a hint that he was self conscious of his tiny stature:

"Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Size matters not."

It sounds to me like he was trying to convince himself.

The last time we see Yoda, he is lying in bed, dying. But is he dying? He just disappears. I didn't see a body. Oh sure, he shows up later as a force ghost. That just proves that he isn't completely gone. He has become another kind of being. Transparent, but visible to Luke.

Fast forward about 30 years. A new leader has risen. He is holographic and huge. (Remember, Yoda was holographic and tiny last we saw him.) He is transparent at times, and visible to Luke's nephew. Snoke is just as bald as Yoda, but he does not look as good. Clearly, he has aged in that time. His study of the Force has clearly taught him to overcome his tiny size and long poiny ears. He is now HUGE! Even seated, he towers over his underlings. Perhaps it's the memory of Darth Vader that turned him bad and made him talk forward. Or maybe it's the influence of General Hux (who looks suspiciously like Bill Weasley ... coincidence? I think not.) and/or Kylo Ren. Snoke seems to be just as respected by the First Order as Yoda was by the Jedi.

Yep. Supreme Leader Snoke is clearly Yoda.

The Empire Striketh Back

In celebration of Star Wars Day and Revenge of the Fifth, methinks I shalt perchance blog about, yea, e'en review, William Shakespeare's The Empire Striketh Back. As may be known, said masterwork was penned by the bard himself, Ian Doescher.

It was last year when I didst learn about the first play in the classic trilogy, William Shakespeare's Star Wars, and I didst hasten unto yon Amazon.com to download the Kindle version of the newly discoverèd work of Shakespeare, which George Lucas didst rudely pilfer to make his 1977 movie. I read the first tome with great mirth. Behold, I was e'en delighted to discover that such characters as R2-D2, thus set free by the iambic pentameter and the frequent use of asides, was able to communicate his thoughts unto the kind audience, while portraying to his fellow players a façade of beeps and bleeps. The play didst delve deeper into the characters, while making frequent use of the Chorus to explain the action unfolding before our play didst begin, as well as the continuing action as the play continuèd. Shakespeare's language didst delight me, and I have thus endeavour'd to replicate it here. But a lowly blogger am I, so it is my lot to forego the iambic pentameter and instead bring unto my kind readers a review in prose.

So delighted was I with the first tome that I did eagerly await its sequel, e'en The Empire Striketh Back. Hark, disappointed was I not. The second was improvèd o'er the first. In his afterword did the bard explain how the feedback from his first master work didst inspire the ongoing work of penning the saga. Less was the Chorus used, in favour of the characters revealing that which could not be shown onstage due to the limitations of the medium.

In this new play, the gentle audience doth learn more than in the movie how the character of Lando of Calrissian conflicted feels to thus betray his sworn ally Han Solo. With further use of asides does Lando tell how he repulsèd is to deal with the likes of Darth Vader while betraying Han to the carbonite freezer.

While R2-D2 continues his sarcastic yet informative asides, he does not do so as much as he did in the first play.

With great joy did I learn that the character of Yoda, in an effort to speak differently than the rest of the ensemble, speaketh backwards, yet also in haiku. Thus do we get classic lines such as:

LUKE
In troth, I understand, and I shall try.

YODA
Nay, nay! Try thou not.
But do thou or do thou not,
For there is no "try."

When introducing the character of Boba Fett, the bard didst express that he employed a technique yet unexplorèd in the Star Wars universe, e'en to speak in prose. This was a technique employed by Shakespeare to indicate the lowest of the low, and this bounty hunter, though determined, is yet low.

In the first volume didst the audience's hearts break when Princess Leia sang a lament for her belovèd planet Alderaan. In this second play, she and Chewbacca similarly sing a lament for Han, thus alive yet frozen in carbonite. Though Wookiee I speak not, I would that I could hear a Wookiee sing. Though I know not what it means, yet these lines do bring a lump e'en to my throat:

CHEWBAC.
[sings:] Egh, auugh, auugh, auugh, egh, egh, muh, muh,
Auugh, egh, egh, auugh, auugh, mu, muh.
Egh, auugh, auugh, grrm, auugh, egh, muh, muh,
Muh, wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.

LEIA
[sings:] Now he is gone, and so's my life,
All frozen in a moment.
He my seiz'd lov'd one, I his strife,
Sing wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.

From the last line of each stanza do I gather that "Muh," when used in a certain way, meanest "Sing." However, it is possible that in other lines, it may mean otherwise. A tribute it is to their friendship that e'en Leia employeth the Wookiee language into her song.

More jovial is the singing of the "merry band of UGNAUGHTS", who deliver all their lines in joyful song "as they pass around parts of C-3PO's body." While like them we do not, they either enjoy their work or choose to sing to pass the time in a more jovial manner, thus to lighten the load of their slavery. I know not their motivation, as they use not the asides that other characters employ.

Further twists does our plot take, as a character that I shall not name (thus shalt I avoid overmuch spoilers) telleth Luke, "--No. I am thy father." Unto this unexpected turn doth Luke reply, "Nay, 'tis not true! It is impossible!" But aforementioned character rejoins, "Pray, search thy feelings, Luke. Thou knowest it/Is true." Luke can only reply, "--Nay!"

As with the movie, with a cliffhanger doth our play end, and as the Chorus instructs,

Ye must leave empty, sighing lack-a-day,
Till we, by George, a brighter play compose.
Our story endeth, though your hearts do burn,
And shall until the Jedi doth return.
                                                                             [Exeunt omnes.

So endeth this blog post, with a hearty recommendation that ye read the play, yea, e'en perform it. Worth your time it is, and greater do I feel for the reading. May the Fourth be with thee, and eagerly shall we wait until our trilogy's conclusion in The Jedi Doth Return.