David and Jonathan 2013

For Sunday school, we did a skit this morning. "Jon", a good friend currently in high school, whose mom Lori helps me out, came to play the part of himself in a few years. My friend Aaron, who lives in Texas (which, as you'll see, is an important detail to know), also made an important contribution. "Davey" was one of the kids, who didn't know ahead of time he would be featured in the skit. Aside from the adults, names have been changed. However, we used real names in the skit. 

STEVEN

Good morning, class! As you know, we've had an exciting past couple weeks with our annual music festival and competition. Each of you did a great job on your musical recital, and we're proud to announce that you all made the top ten finalists! Now I need to introduce our special guests. You all know our very own Principal Lori. You may not know that she easily won this same competition several years ago when she was in this class. For many years before that, the world-renowned Amalek Symphonic Orchestra, with its colossal 1000 members, won every year, but that year, her solo act on the tuba blew the judges away. Of course, after winning the contest, she wanted to keep all that orchestra's instruments and marry their director Randy, but our former Principal Samuel had to remind her that wasn't nice.

LORI (embarrassed)

You weren't supposed to mention that part!

STEVEN

Oh, sorry. Anyway, we also have the distinct privilege of having Principal Lori's son Jon O'Saul with us today. As you may know, he has already made a name for himself, playing the drums, trumpet, piano, organ, oboe, bassoon, flute and accordion all over the world. That's not even mentioning his amazing talent at singing. Audiences in Tokyo, Paris, London, New York and elsewhere have been amazed at his outstanding talent. I'm also proud of him because he's one of my former students. He is currently studying for his doctorate in Musical Arts at Juilliard School in New York, and we are privileged to have him as our TA this year as part of his internship.

JON

Thank you. When you put it that way, it sounds all impressive. Honestly, it's just what I love to do. You may have noticed me in the audience as each of you did your recitals, and I've gotta say I'm impressed with your talent. As you know, the 10,000-member orchestra Go Lithe has won the competition every year ever since my mom defeated the Amalek Orchestra. But I'm excited to announce that this year we have a new winner. The judges tell me this is the youngest champion they have ever seen, and they have asked me to give the prize and their congratulations to Davey McJesse!  (applause) Since he performed way beyond anyone's expectations, and by himself he defeated the Go Lithe Orchestra with just a harp, Juilliard has authorized me to give him a scholarship to attend our exclusive school where he will receive top-notch training in music. Not only that, but until he's old enough to attend Juilliard, I will be giving him personal lessons. (more applause)

STEVEN

I think I should point out that Lori has beat out 1000 musicians, but Davey has beat out 10,000 musicians. That is an amazing accomplishment, and we're proud that both of them come from our school.

LORI

Wait, what? That’s no fair! Holding the record was my greatest and proudest accomplishment! There must be some mistake. [She storms off to the side]

SCENE 2

3 days later. Steven and Jon are having a conference.

JON

Davey tells me that my mom is really jealous of his accomplishment. His tutoring sessions are going great, but he seems to be scared that she’ll do something to get revenge because he outdid her. It just doesn’t sound like something she’d do! We decided that he’ll miss lunch tomorrow and hide. Then we’ve arranged a signal. I really don’t think she’d do that, but I trust Davey. I know where he’s hiding, but I won’t tell anyone. He always eats at her table in the cafeteria, so she’s sure to miss him. We’ll see how she reacts. Davey and I will meet afterwards in his hiding spot. I’m so sure that Davey is mistaken about how far she’ll go that I’ve decided that if it turns out he’s right, I’ll find a video of someone in Texas wishing him good luck. That way if my mom is near, she won’t realize it’s a sign. I hope he’s wrong. Not only because I love my mom, but who do I know in Texas?!

Later that day. Cafeteria.

JON

Hi, mom!

LORI

Isn’t this lunch great? The cooks are amazing here. I never get tired of the food. Too bad Davey… Wait a minute, where is Davey?

JON

He said he couldn’t make it. Something about having to practice for his recital next week.

LORI

What?! He can’t do a recital! I won’t let him! I still can’t believe you dare give him private lessons! What kind of son are you? Do you hate me that much, that you help my rival but don’t help me? Get out of here and let me figure out what I’m gonna do about this problem!

Later that day. Classroom.

JON [to Davey]

Well, I found a video.

STEVEN starts video on laptop

AARON (via video)

You’re doing an amazing job! Good luck in your recital next week!

JON and Davey hug

JON

You were right. If you ever need help, you have my phone number. We’ll have to do our private lessons in secret, and I’m afraid we’ll have to secretly reschedule your recital. My mom is too jealous of you for the recital to work as we were planning. I’m afraid she’d do something to interrupt your performance or make you look bad. In fact, it might be a good idea to lie low for a while until my mom has a chance to calm down. You’re a great friend, and I know you’ll go far. In fact, I think you’ll beat even bigger orchestras. Remember how Elvis was called the King? I think you’ll be bigger than Elvis.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

One thing I find fascinating about the Christmas season is how soon people start packing up the Christmas decorations. Christmas Day ends, and boom! People start thinking about taking the decorations down. They don't realize that traditionally, December 25 is the BEGINNING of the Christmas season! Traditions differ on whether the legendary 12 Days of Christmas are December 25-January 5 or December 26-January 6. Either way, Christmas is not over at the stroke of midnight on Boxing Day. December 25 is, obviously, Christmas. December 26 is St. Stephen's Day. January 6 is Epiphany or Three Kings' Day.

As for the song The Twelve Days of Christmas, there are a few stories about its background. The one that comes to mind is from an e-mail that has been circulating. Snopes considers it to be bunk, and while I have learned to take Snopes with a grain of salt sometimes, I think they have a point here. More about that later.

According to the e-mail, the song was written during a time when the Catholics were severely persecuted. They wrote this song to remember the tenets of their faith in a way that the persecutors would not recognize. The gifts symbolized the following (I added the dates...they aren't mentioned in the e-mail. I included both possible dates, depending on which tradition):

A partridge in a pear tree (Dec 25 or 26): Jesus on the cross (also symbolizing His sadness over Jerusalem)

Two turtle doves (Dec 26 or 27): The Old and New Testaments

Three French hens (Dec 27 or 28): Faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Four calling birds (Dec 28 or 29): The 4 Gospels/Evangelists (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John)

Five golden rings (Dec 29 or 30): The Pentateuch (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy)

Six geese a-laying (Dec 30 or 31): The 6 days of creation

Seven swans a-swimming (Dec 31 or Jan 1): The 7 gifts of the Spirit and the 7 Sacraments

Eight maids a-milking (Jan 1 or 2): The 8 Beatitudes

Nine ladies dancing (Jan 2 or 3): The 9 Fruits of the Spirit

Ten lords a-leaping (Jan 3 or 4): The Ten Commandments

Eleven pipers piping (Jan 4 or 5): The 11 faithful disciples (in other words, minus Judas, who betrayed Jesus and then committed suicide)

Twelve drummers drumming (Jan 5 or 6): The 12 points of doctrine in the Apostles' Creed

Snopes points out that there's no ancient documentation to support this, and the earliest data they can find to support it dates way back to the 1990s AD. One point that comes to mind for me is the Catholics' main enemies in the Middle Ages were Protestants...and most of the doctrines mentioned above are areas of agreement between Catholics and Protestants. Laws did go back and forth giving the death penalty alternately to Catholics and Protestants (depending on the persuasion of the King), but areas where the two faiths agree probably wouldn't have needed to be put in code. (Snopes also points this out.)

That said, I'm not convinced it's completely bunk. It may have involved some or all of that symbolism, but I think the info in the e-mail is generally a recent invention.

Now, for my facetious thoughts.

The singer has a very rich true love. Think of it: On day one, he or she gives a partridge in a pear tree. On day two, the gifts include two turtle doves and another partridge in another pear tree. The list goes on. According to my calculations, that comes to a total of 12 partridges in 12 pear trees, 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, 36 calling birds, 40 golden rings, 42 geese a-laying, 42 swans a-swimming, 40 maids a-milking, 36 ladies dancing, 30 lords a-leaping, 22 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming, for a grand total of 364 gifts. The receiver would need a lot of space for a sudden onslaught of an arboretum of pear trees, a menagerie of 184 birds, and 140 people (who would all need someplace to sleep and live). Oh, and not to mention enough fingers to wear 40 rings. Maybe the singer could wear a different ring depending on what else they're wearing? Of course, that doesn't take into account that the geese are actively laying, so there will soon be many more geese. That also doesn't account for the fact that in order to be able to lay, all the geese would need to be female. There would need to be at least one gander in addition to the 42 geese. The swans would need someplace to swim. We would presumably need something for the maids to milk, since one doesn't typically milk birds. I would guess the ladies and lords have to dance and leap to get around and over everything else. The drummers and pipers would need a way to care for their instruments. That's also assuming that a partridge and a pear tree are a single gift.

So many animals in one place would probably raise concerns with organizations such as PETA and ASPCA, and if they allowed the singer to keep all the gifts, said singer would probably need to get a business license, declare it to be a zoo or farm, and make sure all the birds are treated humanely. I'm not sure what kind of legal issues that would raise in addition to that, but I'm sure there would be lots.

Then there's the issue of owning 140 people. The 13th Amendment to our Constitution specifically states:

Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Thus, all the people being given need to have consented of their own free will (unless, of course, they're serving time for a crime), and they would need to be treated with respect. They would either need to be under the clear understanding that this dancing, milking and music-making is volunteer labor, or they would need to be paid. Some politicians would probably insist that they unionize, which could lead to a lot of headaches and the threat of strikes if the singer doesn't treat them well or pay them as much as they feel they should be paid. Then there's the sticky issue of background checks. They would probably also need a lawyer or ten.

Oh yeah, and the singer would probably need to hire labor to take care of those 12 pear trees, clean up after the animals, feed the animals, etc.

Conclusion: I hope my true love, when I find her, understands that I don't expect her to give me all that, and I really don't want the headaches that would come with it.