Blood Moon

I wrote this last night to commemorate the "Blood Moon" being completely blocked by the clouds. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, there are much more serious things to be worried about (such as the sinking of the Titanic exactly 102 years before I wrote this), but sometimes I like to get melodramatic and exhibit my parody skills.

This is how the Blood Moon would have looked, 

had I been able to see it. Maybe next time!

Picture from http://www.cliplip.com/cool-blood-moon/

To be sung to the tune of Rodgers and Hart's 1934 song "Blue Moon"...


Blood Moon
© Steven Sauke, April 15, 2014

Blood moon

I tried to see you tonight

I had a dream in my heart

To see th'eclipse on my own

Blood moon

You knew what I went outside for

Excitement can’t be denied, for

You’re what I looked in the sky for

And then there suddenly appeared before me

A sky full of clouds! That’s all I see.

I’d heard somebody whisper, “The moon’ll be red”

And when I looked, it was nowhere to be seen

Blood moon

Now I’m right here, all alone

Without your face smiling down

Without a moon, red or white.

Blood moon

Oh, why must you hide away?

You’re red up there, so they say

But I can’t tell! Stupid clouds!

Hosanna!

Times were tough in ancient Egypt. The Israelites had been slaves for 400 years, and their masters were very cruel to them. For years, they prayed for deliverance, and God heard their cries. He sent a guy named Moses, and God used Moses and his brother Aaron to deliver the Israelites out of slavery. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians, and the last one was the hardest for the Egyptians to handle. The firstborn of each family, even including the animals, died. But God passed over the Israelites and spared their firstborn. Up to that point, the Pharaoh had been pretty stubborn about wanting to keep his slaves, but losing his heir made him realize that some things just weren’t worth losing what you love the most. So he finally let the Israelites go. So began a period of 40 years as the Israelites traveled home to the land of their ancestors, and every year they celebrated their deliverance when God passed over them. Passover became one of the most important feasts of the year. For years, they had been praying, “Hosanna!” Please save us! God had heard their pleas and answered. He had saved them. But as the years went on, they needed to be saved again and again. Years later, they split into two kingdoms and eventually were captured by the kingdoms of Babylon and Assyria. The nation of Judah got to return home after 70 years in exile in Babylon, but eventually, the empire of Rome came along and took over the whole area. Prophets foretold of a Messiah who would one day deliver them from their oppressors, and so they continued their pleas of “HOSANNA!”

Somewhere around 1400 years after the Israelites left Egypt, angels appeared to shepherds on a hillside announcing that the promised Savior had arrived! Wise men from the east saw a star and came to worship this new child who had been born to a girl named Mary. The child’s name was Jesus, and he grew up to become a respected rabbi who preached, told stories to teach lessons, and did some amazing miracles. Word was getting around that Jesus was fulfilling a lot of the prophecies of the Messiah.

So it was that the year Jesus was 33, He and His disciples arrived in Jerusalem to celebrate Passover. People came from all over the place to celebrate in the capital city, and as Jesus got close, He had an odd task for some of His disciples. He told them to go to a nearby farm, where they would find a donkey colt. They were to untie it and bring it to him. Jesus told them, “If the donkey’s owner asks you why you’re untying it, tell him, ‘The Lord needs it.’” So they did as they were told. Sure enough, the owner asked why they were untying his donkey. They explained the situation just as Jesus had told them to do, and he let them take it.

Many years earlier, the prophet Zechariah had foretold that the Messiah would come in victory, riding a donkey colt. So now they saw that prophecy happening before their very eyes! The plea that they had been praying for hundreds of years suddenly became a shout of praise! “HOSANNA! SAVE US! Yay! Our Savior is here! You’re here in the name of the Lord, and you rock!” While they were shouting and excitedly praising God, they took off their coats and laid them on the ground for the donkey to walk on. They had cut down palm branches from nearby trees, and they laid those on the ground too! This was how they welcomed a King into the city.

There were some Pharisees in the crowd, though, and they weren’t too happy with what they heard. They told Jesus, “Tell your followers to be quiet!”

“Are you kidding?” Jesus replied. “If they stopped their praises, the rocks would shout out!”

For hundreds of years, the Israelites had praised God for all the wonderful things that He had done. They praised Him for delivering them from Egypt, for providing food in the wilderness, for helping them to conquer their enemies in the Promised Land. All that time, they had also been praying for deliverance from their oppressors. Now their prayer for deliverance became their shout of praise for what they knew Jesus was about to do: deliver them!

But as we’ll find out next week, Jesus had a plan up His sleeve that was much better than delivering them from the Romans. They didn’t realize right away that it was better, though.

Phở with Puns, Part 3

Just when you thought you were safe and I had phởgotten about my Phở posts, inspiration has struck yet again.

For those who need reminders of what has come before, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Phở

Phởto by Steven Sauke, 2013

What Does the Phở Say?
Wouldn't we all like to know? Apparently, it says "slurp slurp slurp slurpty-slurp!" and "Wa phở phở phở phở phở pow!" Anyway, it says that at this restaurant. "Sriracha-racha-racha chow!" Will you communicate by phở-ở-ở-ở-ở-ở? The secret of the phở, ancient mystery. Watch out for people wearing phở ears dancing wildly around the restaurant. You can find out more about it here.

Phở News
The flavors are Phở and Balanced™ (though people of other phởlitical persuasions might dispute that).

20th Century Phở
A movie theater that serves phở

Phởzen
A Phở restaurant in Norway. I realize this pun is a bit of a fixer-upper, but sometimes you just have to let it go. The Phở contains whatever snow does in summer, but nobody with their own personal flurry was harmed in the making of this soup. Reindeer tastes better than...um, never mind.

Phởzzy-Wuzzy
...was a bear. Phởzzy-Wuzzy had no hair. Phởzzy-Wuzzy wasn't phởzzy, was he?

Kermit the Phở
Moi loves to eat there! It's not easy cooking green.

Rephởnance Your Mortgage
Where you can talk to your mortgage broker over a bowl of Phở. The conversations are much more interesting.

Phởlite Conversation
You have to mind your P's and Q's at this restaurant, and always say "Please" and "Thank you."

Nick Phởry
SHIELD's very own phở restaurant. The head waiter wears an eye patch and has a scar on his face.

Susan Phởman
The First Doctor's favorite phở restaurant, which he dedicated to his beloved granddaughter

Swiss Phởmily Robinson
Phở served in a treehouse on an island. It's a family business, though the clientele is very limited.

Winnie the Phở
One of the finest restaurants in the Hundred Acre Wood

Christophở Robin
The other phở restaurant in the Hundred Acre Wood. The two restaurants work together and have great adventures.

Mary Phởpins
Their soup is practically perfect in every way.

Phởdo Baggins
True heroism goes into the making of their phở. It was born from a quest to destroy a ring, and became so much more. The oppressor was defeated, and in the heat of the volcanic fires, a new soup was cooked. Once the hobbits and elves worked together to get the sulfur out and perfect the recipe, a new restaurant was born. As Paul Harvey would say, "...and that's the rest of the story." We're Tolkien' amazing heroics here.

Morphởus
After you phởllow the white rabbit, they offer you an option of the red phở or the blue phở. Either choice will change your destiny. After that, they have a whole matrix of events that happen as a result of your choice.

Phở Factor
A reality show in which people must face their least favorite phở. The theory is that they will realize it doesn't actually taste that bad.

Phởddleglum
A phở restaurant in the Narnian marshes. Their specialty is eel phở, though everyone will hate it, I shouldn't wonder.

Phởmble
They have a basketball court, but you don't have to play it well.

Phlởbber
A restaurant inspired by a stretchy, bouncy substance invented by an absentminded professor

Prophởssor X
A phở restaurant for mutants, founded by a great mutant with telepathic abilities

Phởcy Jackson
A phở restaurant at Camp Half-Blood

If you think of any others, feel free to mention them in the comments, though please keep it clean.

Touché!

The Kingdoms of Israel and Aram were at war. The King of Aram was getting really frustrated, though, because somehow Israel seemed to know their battle plans ahead of time and managed to avoid the places the Arameans tried to attack! They went to the locations where they knew the Israelites would be, and over and over, there was nobody there to attack! So much for the element of surprise.

So the Aramean King decided they must have a traitor. He called his army together and said, “All right, who is warning the Israelites what we’re going to do?”

“Nobody,” they replied, “but their prophet Elisha seems to know an awful lot about our plans! He’s been warning their King.” So their new target became Elisha. They had to get him out of the way so they could go back to defeating their enemy! They found him in the city of Dothan, and they surrounded the city. When Elisha’s servant got up, he discovered a bunch of scary enemy soldiers all around the city walls, and they were after Elisha! The servant went to his master, terrified. “Don’t worry,” Elisha said, “There are a lot more people with us than with them!”

Now the servant was confused. “But it’s just you and me. What are you talking about?”

So Elisha prayed, “Lord, please open his eyes!”

His servant couldn’t believe what he saw! The Aramean army may have been surrounding the city of Dothan, but surrounding them, all over the hills, was a powerful army with horses and fiery chariots!

So Elisha prayed again, “Lord, please blind the Aramean army!” So God did that. Then Elisha went up to the enemy and said, “This isn’t the right road or city, but I’d be happy to help you. Follow me!” So Elisha started leading a confused and blind army away from Dothan, making plenty of noise so they would be sure to hear him, since they couldn’t see him.

When they got to where they were going, Elisha prayed, “OK, Lord, please open their eyes now.” The Aramean army was shocked to find themselves in Samaria, right under the nose of the King of Israel!

When the Israelite King saw that Elisha had led the enemy right to them, he was excited. He asked Elisha, “Should I kill them?”

But the prophet had another surprise up his sleeve. Both the Israelites and the Arameans were shocked to hear Elisha’s next words: “Nope! Don’t kill them! I have a better idea…let’s prepare a feast for them and be kind to them instead!”

It was the last thing anyone had expected. The enemy got a big feast, and they went back home with one less enemy. If they were gonna be nice to them, there wasn’t much point in Aram attacking Israel, so the attacks stopped.

Naaman

He was an important commander in the army of the Kingdom of Aram. He had risen through the ranks, and led the Aramean army to victory after victory. His country loved him because he helped to make them more powerful than ever. But one day, he met an enemy that no army could defeat. It made it hard for him to lead his army as this enemy kept him away from the soldiers he commanded. He had never encountered anything like this before. This wasn’t even a person he was fighting this time. The commander’s name was Naaman, and he was in a battle for his life against the feared enemy called leprosy. It causes the skin to look scaly and awful. It can lead to deformed fingers and toes. Lepers can’t feel pain, so that can lead to some more serious injuries. It’s even a bit contagious. Now there are treatments for the disease, but back then, the only thing people could do was move away from others so they wouldn’t spread it. What was this important commander to do? He wasn’t used to being helpless against a fearsome enemy.

Some time earlier, bands of Aramean raiders had gone into the neighboring Kingdom of Israel and taken captives. One of these captives was a young girl who became the slave of Naaman’s wife. This slave girl cared for her master and mistress, and one day she suggested to her mistress, “Back home, I heard of a man who might be able to help. There’s a prophet in Samaria who can cure him.”

So Naaman went to the King of Aram and told him what his wife’s slave girl had said. The King sent Naaman with a letter to the King of Israel that said, “I’m sending you my servant Naaman so you can cure him of his leprosy.”

When the King of Israel got the note, he said, “Are you kidding? Who does your king think I am, God? I can’t cure leprosy!”

When Elisha found out the King had thrown a fit, he went to him and said, “Whoa, what happened? Have the guy come to my house, and he’ll know there’s a prophet in Israel.”

So Naaman set out to Elisha’s house. When he was almost there, he met a messenger who said, “Elisha says you’re supposed to go to the Jordan River and wash yourself seven times.”

“WHAT?!” Naaman cried. “That’s disgusting! Why does it have to be the Jordan River? Surely the rivers back home would have been better! Here I came all this way to have a prophet call on his God, wave his staff, say the magic words and heal me! Now what? The Jordan River?! Ewww!”

But his servants pointed out, “Wouldn’t you do it if the prophet told you to do some heroic deed to be healed? How hard can it be to have seven baths in the Jordan?”

“Oh, all right,” he said. He washed himself in the river once. Twice. Three times. What was happening? Four times. Five times. It was getting better! Six times. Seven times. Naaman’s skin was smooth and normal again! The leprosy had been defeated!

He couldn’t believe it. This seemed too good to be true! He and his servants hurried back to Elisha with the news. He had brought a bunch of treasure and clothes to pay for his treatment, but Elisha wouldn’t take any of it. From then on, Naaman vowed to serve the one true God who had healed him of his leprosy.

Unending Oil and Shunammite Resurrection

Elisha’s world had turned upside-down. He was working in the field one day when some guy named Elijah came along and told him to come be a prophet. After a few years of training, Elisha watched his teacher taken from him in one of the most dramatic ways imaginable. The fiery horses and chariot disappeared into the sky, the waters of the Jordan River parted, and Elisha started a new life as a prophet. As he had requested, God granted him a lot of prophetic power, and with God’s help, he did some amazing things.

One day, another prophet’s time came to go. We don’t know this prophet’s name, but he had a wife and two sons, and they were left very poor when he died. The woman had bills to pay, and no way to pay them! At that time, that only left one option. The people she owed the bills to would be coming any day to take her sons away to be slaves! She loved her sons, and she didn’t want to lose them! So she found Elisha and told him about their problem.

“What do you have in your house?” Elisha said.

“We hardly have anything!” she replied. “Just a small jar of olive oil!”

So Elisha told her what she needed to do. It sounded really weird, but she knew Elisha knew what he was talking about. Following his advice, she went around to all her neighbors and asked for as many empty jars as they could spare. Pretty soon, there were lots and lots of empty jars in their house. Then the woman and her sons shut their door and went to work. They took their tiny jar of oil and started pouring it into an empty jar. When that was full, they started filling another one. That filled up, and they poured oil into a third jar! It just kept coming and coming out of the tiny jar until all the jars in the house were full!

“Bring me another jar!” she said to one of her sons.

“That’s it!” he replied. “They’re all full!” Then the oil stopped flowing.

So she went to Elisha and reported the amazing news. “Great!” he said. “Now go sell the oil. You’ll earn enough from that to pay your debts and to support your family!”

Not all the people Elisha helped were poor. He often visited a rich couple in the town of Shunem. In fact, he came so often that they decided to build a guest room on their roof so that he would have a place to stay when he visited. Elisha and his servant Gehazi really appreciated their hospitality, and Elisha wondered what they could do to help this Shunammite woman and her husband. They even offered to speak to the King on her behalf, but she didn’t think that was necessary. Elisha and Gehazi were brainstorming what they could do to help them when Gehazi pointed out that the woman didn’t have any children, and her husband was old. So Elisha told the woman, “This time next year, you’ll be holding a son.”

“No, don’t get my hopes up!” the woman said. But just as promised, she got pregnant and had a son.

A few years passed. The boy grew, and his parents loved him. One day, he found his dad working in the fields and complained, “My head hurts!” His dad asked a servant to carry the boy home, and the boy’s mom held him. He was very sick, and pretty soon he died. The woman couldn’t believe it. God had done a miracle by giving her this child, and now the boy was dead! She carried his body up to Elisha’s room and hurried to find Elisha. She found him at Mount Carmel, and he saw her and recognized her from a distance. He sent Gehazi ahead to find out what was the matter, and she said, “Everything’s fine.” But as she got closer, he told Gehazi, “She’s very sad, but God hasn’t told me why.”

So the woman said, “Did I ask you for a son? Didn’t I tell you not to get my hopes up?” When he found out the boy was dead, Elisha was alarmed. He told Gehazi, “Take my staff and run. Don’t stop for anything or anyone, and when you get to their home, lay my staff on the boy’s body.” The woman refused to go with Gehazi, though, unless Elisha went with her. So while Gehazi ran on ahead, Elisha and the Shunammite woman hurried back to the house. Before they got there, Gehazi came running back from the house and said, “I did what you said, but the boy is still dead!”

The first thing Elisha tried hadn’t worked. So when he got to the house, he went upstairs and found the boy laying on the bed. Elisha knelt down and prayed. Then he did something really strange. He laid facedown on top of the boy, eyes to eyes, mouth to mouth, hands to hands. Maybe it was something like CPR? The boy’s skin was cold, as it usually is for dead people, but pretty soon, it got warm. Elisha stood up and walked back and forth, then tried again. The boy sneezed and opened his eyes!

So Elisha had Gehazi get the Shunammite woman, and when she came in the room, she was overjoyed to find her son alive! God had just brought a boy back from the dead!

Chariot of Fire

Queen Jezebel was furious! The prophet Elijah had called a contest on Mt. Carmel, and not only had her side lost, but her god Baal was humiliated, and she had lost a bunch of Baal’s priests! She only saw one possible solution: Elijah must die! In fact, Jezebel was so angry that she promised that if he wasn’t dead by the next day, she didn’t care how badly her gods punished her!

As soon as Elijah got word, he was outta there! He ran to the desert and collapsed, exhausted and scared, under a bush. He was so upset that he prayed that God would let him die! Then he fell asleep. An angel woke him up and gave him something to eat and drink. When he was done eating, he fell asleep again. Later, the angel came back and said, “Get up and eat. You have a long journey ahead of you.” So he got up and ate. Then he walked 40 days and nights until he got to Mt. Horeb. Once there, Elijah hid in a cave. After listening to Elijah pour out his complaints, God told him to stand at the mouth of the cave and promised to pass by. When Elijah got to the mouth of the cave, there was a fierce wind, then an earthquake, and then a fire. But God wasn’t in any of those. Then Elijah heard a quiet voice ask, “What are you doing here?” So Elijah poured out his complaints again.

In response, God gave Elijah some instructions. “Go to Damascus and anoint Hazael King of Syria. Then anoint Jehu King of Israel. Then find a guy named Elisha and train him to replace you as prophet. Between the three of them, many enemies will be defeated.”

So Elijah obeyed God’s instructions. After anointing Hazael and Jehu, Elijah found Elisha working in a field. Elijah threw his coat around Elisha. That meant he was inviting him to a new life of service to God. Elisha sacrificed his cows, said good bye to his parents, and left.

Elijah trained Elisha, and time passed. Israel’s evil King Ahab died in battle, and his son Ahaziah took his place. He was also evil and pretty soon Ahaziah died and his brother Joram took his place.

Some time had passed by now, and Elijah knew his time had come to go. He told Elisha to stay in Gilgal while he went on to Bethel. But Elisha insisted on going along. Other prophets also tried to convince Elisha to stay, but he insisted on going. So Elisha went with Elijah to Bethel, then to Jericho. Prophets at every stop tried to convince Elisha to stay, but he insisted on going with Elijah. The two of them got to the Jordan River, and Elijah took off his coat and hit the water with it. The water parted just like it had for Joshua many years earlier! Once the two prophets got across the river on dry ground, Elijah said, “What would you like, before I go?”

Elisha replied, “I’d like double the prophetic power that you have!” He didn’t feel worthy to succeed Elijah, and he knew he would need a lot of help from God.

“Wow, that’s a tall order!” Elijah said. “But if you see God taking me away, you’ll get it.”

While they were walking and talking, a fiery chariot pulled by fiery horses swooped out of the sky and took Elijah up in a whirlwind! Elisha cried out, “My father! You’re worth all the horses and horsemen of Israel!” Elisha tore his clothes in grief, and then picked up Elijah’s coat, which Elijah had dropped. He watched his mentor disappear into the sky in a fiery whirlwind of horses, then walked slowly back to the Jordan River. When he got there, he hit the water with Elijah’s coat, and it parted again!

When he got back across, the prophets from Jericho were there waiting. They could tell Elisha had gained a lot of prophetic power, to be able to part the waters of the Jordan with God’s help! That was no small river. They offered to go search for Elijah, but he told them not to bother. When they insisted, he said, “Fine, go ahead!” But of course they couldn’t find him. Elijah had just become one of only two people in the Old Testament to be taken to heaven without dying.